words that you can use instead of "jerkin off"

hmmm...some of these are much more appropriate for certain situations...but honestly, who came up with this shit?

- doing the five knuckle shuffle
- floggin' the bishop
- chokin' the chicken
- tenderizing the tube steak
- caulkin your belly
- wacking the one-eyed trouser snake
- pounding pud
- strokin' the scrotum pole
- smackin' around the old meat bag
- doing the wife's work
- spanking the monkey
- whipping the goo goblin
- playin' the bag pipe
- crankin' one off
- watering the twig and giggle berries
- doing hard time in the hand slammer
- waxin' the weasle
- punchin the munchkin
- playing tug-o-war with mr. stiffy
- hand-to-gland combat
- shakin' hands with the governor
- milking the butter utter
- goin' fishin' for your trouser trout
- dueling the pork sword
- polishing the rocket
- screwing patty palmer
- trainin' the purple headed warrior
- playin' the one string banjo
- asking five voters to take a pole
- menage-a-un
- celebrating palm sunday
- thumping the stump
- strokin' the smoke stack
- makin' the leprauchan give up his gold
- whippin' up a batch of pants pudding
- having a close encounter of the first kind
- launchin' some swimmers
- rubbin' one out
- gaggine the one-eyed gopher
- waxin' the buick
- giving the one gun salute
- fist pumpin' the piss pump
- makin' a tadpole milkshake
- cleanin' out the pipes
- slappin' pappy
- spit shinin' your wing tip
- rolling bologna
- hand startin' the one-eyed yogurt thrower
- givin' flipper a back rub
- shaking hands with mr. happy
- launching the heat-seeking moisture missle
- whippin up some baby batter
- puttin some mayo on the knuckle sandwich
- chumin' butter
- tugging the tapioca tube
- makin' crotch custard
- waxing the carrot