the cowboy and the lesbian

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women." The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

redneck love poem

Susie lee done fell in love,
She planned to marry joe,
She was so happy 'bout it all,
She told her pappy so.

Pappy told her, "susie gal,
You'll have to find another,
I'd just as soon your ma don't know,
But joe is your half brother!"

So susie put aside her joe,
And planned to marry will,
But after telling pappy this,
He said, "there's trouble still.

You can't marry will, my gal,
And please don't tell your mother,
But will and joe, and several mo',
I know is your half brother!"

But mama knew and said, "my child,
Just do what makes you happy,
Marry will or marry joe,
You ain't no kin to pappy!"

the redneck and the gorilla

A small zoo in Georgia obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was
approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the
gorilla for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the
matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept
their offer, but only under four conditions.

1. "First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips."
The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

2. "Second", he said, "You can't never tell no one about this."
The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

3. "Third", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern
Baptist." Once again it was agreed.

4. And last, Bobby Lee said "I'll need another week to come up with the
$500.00."

words that you can use instead of "jerkin off"

hmmm...some of these are much more appropriate for certain situations...but honestly, who came up with this shit?

- doing the five knuckle shuffle
- floggin' the bishop
- chokin' the chicken
- tenderizing the tube steak
- caulkin your belly
- wacking the one-eyed trouser snake
- pounding pud
- strokin' the scrotum pole
- smackin' around the old meat bag
- doing the wife's work
- spanking the monkey
- whipping the goo goblin
- playin' the bag pipe
- crankin' one off
- watering the twig and giggle berries
- doing hard time in the hand slammer
- waxin' the weasle
- punchin the munchkin
- playing tug-o-war with mr. stiffy
- hand-to-gland combat
- shakin' hands with the governor
- milking the butter utter
- goin' fishin' for your trouser trout
- dueling the pork sword
- polishing the rocket
- screwing patty palmer
- trainin' the purple headed warrior
- playin' the one string banjo
- asking five voters to take a pole
- menage-a-un
- celebrating palm sunday
- thumping the stump
- strokin' the smoke stack
- makin' the leprauchan give up his gold
- whippin' up a batch of pants pudding
- having a close encounter of the first kind
- launchin' some swimmers
- rubbin' one out
- gaggine the one-eyed gopher
- waxin' the buick
- giving the one gun salute
- fist pumpin' the piss pump
- makin' a tadpole milkshake
- cleanin' out the pipes
- slappin' pappy
- spit shinin' your wing tip
- rolling bologna
- hand startin' the one-eyed yogurt thrower
- givin' flipper a back rub
- shaking hands with mr. happy
- launching the heat-seeking moisture missle
- whippin up some baby batter
- puttin some mayo on the knuckle sandwich
- chumin' butter
- tugging the tapioca tube
- makin' crotch custard
- waxing the carrot

you know you're a jedi pimp...

We came up with this list...kinda in the same vein of the "you know you're a redneck if..." and "you know you're a jedi redneck if..." jokes. Anyone know more jedi pimp jokes?...we'd love to get a link. It would be a huge suprise that these are originals but we googled around and couldn't find any...whether they are or not, we hope you enjoy!